How I have been healing in 2017

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This pic is from 2015 but it is one of the best ones I have of me and my girls.

In the beginning of this year, I have been going through a lot of pain. Several things have really broken me as a person in my life. I have never really allowed myself to heal from them. I just kept on going.

The first thing is the death of my beloved grandma. I was her “special one” the one that she loved the most. She babysat me a lot when I was very little before my little sister was born. After that, she took me shopping every weekend from age 7 until  I graduated high school. We spent so much time together. When she got sick me and my husband were there to visit several times to help her out. However I wasn’t there when she needed me the most, the night she passed away. I thought I had until the next morning after me and my husband worked a 12-hour shift but she passed away that night. I never got to say goodbye. It hurt so bad for the rest of my life.

This year I realized that it will be a whole in my life forever, but I need to allow myself to heal for my sanity. She would not want me to worry and hurt about it as much as I have been. She knows that I love her due to my past actions. Always talking to her every night when she was lonely because she was seperated from my grandpa. I also helped her a ton in the hospital when she was sick. Remembering the good things really helped me heal.

The other thing I am healing from the poor treatment I received from my mother while growing up. She treated my sister as her special one and made my clean our room alone, and allowed her to beat me up while growing up. My mother self self injured herself a lot due to her schizophrenia and she also hit my because I looked too much like my dad. They were on and off again all the time growing up, and I was and always will be a daddy’s girl. I also grew up self injuring myself. It is a scary habit and I have always been trying to fight. My worst nightmare is that my girls pick up on the habit. My mom has ruined my life but I forgive her.

The ways I deal with it are forgiving her and my little sister, and being a better mom for my girls than she was for me. I never want to see my girls go through massive problems like I had to deal with. I love them so much! We talk about once a week, it still tough but I need to forgive her for the both of us.

I am also getting medical help for my bipolar depression. This has helped me immensely.  I no longer have the super depressive periods of my life that I used to have, and I also do not get manically happy where I end up ignoring my girls due to cleaning the house all day. I also have a medicine that I can take if I have panic attacks that used to make me injure myself.  I  am at a super calm and happy stage in my life and I hope it lasts forever.

Nicole

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